253. Now I shall
go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lord's dealings with me, of
his dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the temptations I then did
meet withal. I shall begin with what I met with when I first did join in
fellowship with the people of God in Bedford. 56
After I had propounded to the church that my desire was to walk in the order and
ordinances of Christ with them, and was also admitted by them; while I thought
of that blessed ordinance of Christ, which was his last supper with his
disciples before his death, that Scripture, "This do in remembrance of
me" (Luke 22:19), was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord
did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of his death for my sins;
and as I then felt, did as if he plunged me in the virtue of the same. But,
behold, I had not been long a partaker at that ordinance, but such fierce and
sad temptations did attend me at all times therein, both to blaspheme the
ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof;
that, lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and
fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the while to pray to God to
keep me from such blasphemies; and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup
to them as it went from mouth to mouth. The reason of this temptation I have
thought since was, because I did not, with that reverence 'as became me,' at
first approach to partake thereof.
254. Thus I
continued for three quarters of a year, and could never have rest nor ease; but
at last the Lord came in upon my soul with that same scripture by which my soul
was visited before; and after that I have been usually very well and comfortable
in the partaking of that blessed ordinance, and have, I trust, therein discerned
the Lord's body as broken for my sins, and that his precious blood hath been
shed for my transgressions.
255. Upon a time
I was somewhat inclining to a consumption, wherewith, about the spring, I was
suddenly and violently seized with much weakness in my outward man, insomuch
that I thought I could not live. Now began I afresh to give myself up to a
serious examination after my state and condition for the future, and of my
evidences for that blessed world to come; for it hath, I bless the name of God,
been my usual course, as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to
endeavour to keep my interest in the life to come clear before my eye.
256. But I had no
sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my
soul, but there came flocking into my mind, an innumerable company of my sins
and transgressions, amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction,
namely, my deadness, dullness, and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of
heart, 'of' my wearisomeness in all good things, my want of love to God, his
ways, and people, with this at the end of all, Are these the fruits of
Christianity? are these the tokens of a blessed man?
257. At the
apprehension of these things my sickness was doubled upon me, for now was I sick
in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt; now also was my former
experience of God's goodness to me quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if it
had never been, nor seen. Now was my soul greatly pinched between these two
considerations, Live I must not, Die I dare not; now I sunk and fell in my
spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the
house, as a man in a most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart,
Ye are "justified freely by his grace, through the redemption that is in
Christ Jesus" (Rom 3:24). 'But oh what a turn it made upon me!'
258. Now was I as
one awakened out of some troublesome sleep and dream, and listening to this
heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it thus expounded to me: Sinner, thou
thinkest that because of thy sins and infirmities I cannot save thy soul, but
behold my Son is by me, and upon him I look, and not on thee, and will deal with
thee according as I am pleased with him. At this I was greatly lightened in my
mind, and made to understand that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was
but 'his' looking upon Christ, and imputing of his benefits to us, and the work
was forthwith done.
259. And as I was
thus in a muse that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit, Not by
works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved
us, &c. (Titus 3:5; 2 Tim 1:9). Now was I got on high; I saw myself within
the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying
hour, yet now I cried, Let me die. Now death was lovely and beautiful in my
sight; for I saw we shall never live indeed till we be gone to the other world.
Oh, methought this life is but a slumber in comparison of that above; at this
time also I saw more in those words, "Heirs of God" (Rom 8:17), than
ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world. "Heirs of
God!" God himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and wondered at,
but cannot tell you what I saw. 57
260. 'Again, as I
was at another time very ill and weak, all that time also the tempter did beset
me strongly, for I find he is much for assaulting the soul when it begins to
approach towards the grave, then is his opportunity, labouring to hide from me
my former experience of God's goodness; also setting before me the terrors of
death and the judgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of
miscarrying for ever, should I now die, I was as one dead before death came, and
was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit; methought, I said,
there was no way, but to hell I must; but behold, just as I was in the midst of
those fears, these words of the angels carrying Lazarus into Abraham's bosom
darted in upon me, as who should say, So it shall be with thee when thou dost
leave this world. This did sweetly revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God;
which, when I had with comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great
weight upon my mind, "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is
thy victory?" (1 Cor 15:55). At this I became both well in body and mind at
once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably in my work
for God again.'
261. At another
time, though just before I was pretty well and savoury in my spirit, yet
suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness, which did so hide from me
the things of God and Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known them in
my life; I was also so overrun in my soul, with a senseless, heartless frame of
spirit, that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after grace and life by
Christ; I was as if my loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been
tied or bound with chains. At this time also I felt some weakness to seize
'upon' my outward man, which made still the other affliction the more heavy and
uncomfortable 'to me.'
262. After I had
been in this condition some three or four days, as I was sitting by the fire, I
suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart, I must go to Jesus; at this my
former darkness and atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set
within my view. While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife,
said I, is there ever such a scripture, I must go to Jesus? she said she could
not tell, therefore I sat musing still to see if I could remember such a place;
I had not sat above two or three minutes but that came bolting in upon me,
"And to an innumerable company of angels," and withal, Hebrews the
twelfth, about the mount Sion was set before mine eyes (vv 22-24).
263. Then with
joy I told my wife, O now I know, I know! But that night was a good night to me,
I never had but few better; I longed for the company of some of God's people
that I might have imparted unto them what God had showed me. Christ was a
precious Christ to my soul that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and
peace, and triumph, through Christ; this great glory did not continue upon me
until morning, yet that twelfth of the author to the Hebrews (Heb 12:22,23) was
a blessed scripture to me for many days together after this.
264. The words are these,
"Ye are come unto mount Sion, and unto the city of the living God, the
heavenly Jerusalem, and to an innumerable company of angels, to the general
assembly and church of the firstborn, which are written in heaven, and to God
the judge of all, and to the spirits of just men made perfect, and to Jesus the
mediator of the new covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh
better things than that of Abel." Through this blessed sentence the Lord
led me over and over, first to this word, and then to that, and showed me
wonderful glory in every one of them. These words also have oft since this time
been great refreshment to my spirit. Blessed be God for having mercy on me.
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