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117. At this
time, also, I sat under the ministry of holy Mr. Gifford, whose doctrine, by
God's grace, was much for my stability. 30 This
man made it much his business to deliver the people of God from all those false
and unsound rests that, by nature, we are prone to take and make to our souls.
He pressed us to take special heed that we took not up any truth upon
trust—as from this, or that, or any other man or men—but to cry
mightily to God that he would convince us of the reality thereof, and set us
down therein, by his own Spirit, in the holy Word; for, said he, if you do
otherwise when temptations come, if strongly, you, not having received them with
evidence from heaven, will find you want that help and strength now to resist as
once you thought you had.
118. This was as
seasonable to my soul as the former and latter rain in their season; for I had
found, and that by sad experience, the truth of these his words; for I had felt
[what] no man can say, especially when tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ
is Lord but by the Holy Ghost. Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, very
apt to drink in this doctrine, and to incline to pray to God that, in nothing
that pertained to God's glory and my own eternal happiness, he would suffer me
to be without the confirmation thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly there
was an exceeding different betwixt the notions of flesh and blood, and the
revelations of God in heaven; also, a great difference between that faith that
is feigned, and according to man's wisdom, and of that which comes by a man's
being born thereto of God (Matt 16:15-17; 1 John 5:1).
119. But, oh!
now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God! even from the birth and
cradle of the Son of God to his ascension and second coming from heaven to judge
the world.
120. Truly, I
then found, upon this account, the great God was very good unto me; for, to my
remembrance, there was not anything that I then cried unto God to make known and
reveal unto me but he was pleased to do it for me; I mean not one part of the
gospel of the Lord Jesus, but I was orderly led into it. Methought I saw with
great evidence, from the relation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work of
God, in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from his conception and birth even to
his second coming to judgment, Methought I was as if I had seen him born, as if
I had seen him grow up, as if I had seen him walk through this world, from the
cradle to his cross; to which, also, when he came, I saw how gently he gave
himself to be hanged and nailed on it for my sins and wicked doings. Also, as I
was musing on this, his progress, that dropped on my spirit, He was ordained for
the slaughter (1 Peter 1:19,20).
121. When I have
considered also the truth of his resurrection, and have remembered that word,
"Touch me not, Mary," &c., I have seen as if he leaped at the
grave's mouth for joy that he was risen again, and had got the conquest over our
dreadful foes (John 20:17). I have also, in the spirit, seen him a man on the
right hand of God the Father for me, and have seen the manner of his coming from
heaven to judge the world with glory, and have been confirmed in these things by
these scriptures following, Acts 1:9, 10, 7:56, 10:42; Hebrews 7:24, 8:3;
Revelation 1:18; 1 Thessalonians 4:17, 18.
122. Once I was
much troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was both man as well as God, and
God as well as man; and truly, in those days, let men say what they would,
unless I had it with evidence from heaven, all was as nothing to me, I counted
not myself set down in any truth of God. Well, I was much troubled about this
point, and could not tell how to be resolved; at last, that in the fifth of the
Revelation came into my mind, "And I beheld, and lo, in the midst of the
throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a
Lamb." In the midst of the throne, 'thought I,' there is his Godhead; in
the midst of the elders, there is his manhood; but oh! methought this did
glister! it was a goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction. That other
scripture also did help me much in this, "To us a child is born, unto us a
son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall
be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, the
Prince of Peace," &c. (Isa 9:6).
123. Also,
besides these teachings of God in his Word, the Lord made use of two things to
confirm me in these things; the one was the errors of the Quakers, and the other
was the guilt of sin; for as the Quakers did oppose his truth, so God did the
more confirm me in it, by leading me into the scriptures that did wonderfully
maintain it. 31
124. 'The errors
that this people then maintained were, 1. That the holy Scriptures were not the
Word of God. 2. That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ, grace,
faith, &c. 3. That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying 1600 years ago, did
not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people. 4. That Christ's flesh
and blood was within the saints. 5. That the bodies of the good and bad that are
buried in the churchyard shall not arise again. 6. That the resurrection is past
with good men already. 7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two
thieves on Mount Calvary, in the land of Canaan, by Jerusalem, was not ascended
up above the starry heavens. 8. That he should not, even the same Jesus that
died by the hands of the Jews, come again at the last day, and as man judge all
nations, &c.'
125. 'Many more
vile and abominable things were in those days fomented by them, by which I was
driven to a more narrow search of the Scriptures, and was, through their light
and testimony, not only enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the
truth'; and, as I said, the guilt of sin did help me much, for still as that
would come upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again, and again, and
again, and that too, sweetly, according to the Scriptures. O friends! cry to God
to reveal Jesus Christ unto you; there is none teacheth like him.
126. It would be
too long for me here to stay, to tell you in particular how God did set me down
in all the things of Christ, and how he did, that he might so do, lead me into
his words; yea, and also how he did open them unto me, make them shine before
me, and cause them to dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over,
both of his own being, and the being of his Son, and Spirit, and Word, and
gospel.
127. Only this,
as I said before I will say unto you again, that in general he was pleased to
take this course with me; first, to suffer me to be afflicted with temptation
concerning them, and then reveal them to me: as sometimes I should lie under
great guilt for sin, even crushed to the ground therewith, and then the Lord
would show me the death of Christ; yea, and so sprinkle my conscience with his
blood, that I should find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience
where but just now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest and abide
the peace and love of God through Christ.
128. Now had I an
evidence, 'as I thought, of my salvation' from heaven, with many golden seals
thereon, all hanging in my sight; now could I remember this manifestation and
the other discovery of grace, with comfort; and should often long and desire
that the last day were come, that I might for ever be inflamed with the sight,
and joy, and communion with him whose head was crowned with thorns, whose face
was spit on, and body broken, and soul made an offering for my sins: for
whereas, before, I lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell, now methought
I was got so far therefrom that I could not, when I looked back, scarce discern
it; and, oh! thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that I might die
quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest. 32
129. 'But before
I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did greatly long to see some
ancient godly man's experience, who had writ some hundreds of years before I was
born; for those who had writ in our days, I thought, but I desire them now to
pardon me, that they had writ only that which others felt, or else had, through
the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they
perceived others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the
deep. Well, after many such longings in my mind, the God in whose hands are all
our days and ways, did cast into my hand, one day, a book of Martin Luther; it
was his comment on the Galatians—it also was so old that it was ready to
fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over. Now I was pleased much that
such an old book had fallen into my hands; the which, when I had but a little
way perused, I found my condition, in his experience, so largely and profoundly
handled, as if his book had been written out of my heart. This made me marvel;
for thus thought I, This man could not know anything of the state of Christians
now, but must needs write and speak the experience of former days.'
130. 'Besides, he
doth most gravely, also, in that book, debate of the rise of these temptations,
namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like; showing that the law of Moses as
well as the devil, death, and hell hath a very great hand therein, the which, at
first, was very strange to me; but considering and watching, I found it so
indeed. But of particulars here I intend nothing; only this, methinks, I must
let fall before all men, I do prefer this book of Martin Luther upon the
Galatians, excepting the Holy Bible, before all the books that ever I have seen,
as most fit for a wounded conscience.'
131. 'And now I
found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly; oh! methought my soul cleaved
unto him, my affections cleaved unto him. I felt love to him as hot as fire; and
now, as Job said, I thought I should die in my nest; but I did quickly find that
my great love was but little, and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning
love to Jesus Christ, could let him go again for a very trifle; God can tell how
to abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my love was tried
to purpose.'
132. For after
the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered me from this great and
sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of his holy gospel,
and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven
touching my interest in his love through Christ; the tempter came upon me again,
and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before.
133. And that
was, To sell and part with this most blessed Christ, to exchange him for the
things of this life, for anything. The temptation lay upon me for the space of a
year, and did follow me so continually that I was not rid of it one day in a
month, no, not sometimes one hour in many days together, unless 'when' I was
asleep.
134. And though,
in my judgment, I was persuaded that those who were once effectually in Christ,
as I hoped, through his grace, I had seen myself, could never lose him for
ever—for "the land shall not be sold for ever, for the land is
mine," saith God (Lev 25:23) 33—yet it
was a continual vexation to me to think that I should have so much as one such
thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for me as he had
done; 'and yet then I had almost none others, but such blasphemous ones.'
135. But it was
neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and endeavour to resist it
that in the least did shake or abate the continuation, or force and strength
thereof; for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself
therewith in such sort that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a
stick, or cast mine eye to look on this or that, but still the temptation would
come, Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that; 'sell him, sell him.'
136. Sometimes it
would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred times together, Sell him,
sell him, sell him; against which I may say, for whole hours together, I have
been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it,
least haply, before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart
that might consent thereto; and sometimes also the tempter would make me believe
I had consented to it, then should I be as tortured upon a rack for whole days
together.
137. This
temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should and some times, I say,
consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the very force of my mind,
in labouring to gainsay and resist this wickedness, my very body also would be
put into action or motion by way of pushing or thrusting 'with my hands or
elbows,' still answering as fast as the destroyer said, Sell him; I will not, I
will not, I will not, I will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of
worlds. Thus reckoning lest I should in the midst of these assaults, set too low
a value of him, even until I scarce well knew where I was, or how to be composed
began.
138. 'At these
seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but, forsooth, when I was set
at table at my meat, I must go hence to pray; I must leave my food now, and just
now, so counterfeit holy also would this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I
should say in myself, Now I am at my meat, let me make an end. No, said he, you
must do it now, or you will displease God, and despised Christ. Wherefore I was
much afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness of my nature,
imagining that these things were impulses from God, I should deny to do it, as
if I denied God; and then should I be as guilty, because I did not obey a
temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed.'
139. But to be
brief, one morning, as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at other times, most
fiercely assaulted with this temptation, to sell and part with Christ; the
wicked suggestion still running in my mind, sell him, sell him, sell him, sell
him, ' sell him,' as fast as a man could speak; against which also, in my mind,
as and other times, I answered, No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands,
at least twenty times together. But at last, after much striving, even until I
was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart, Let him go,
if he will! and I thought also, that I felt my heart ' freely' consent thereto.
'Oh, the diligence of Satan! 34 Oh, the
desperateness of man's heart!'
140. Now was the
battle won, and down fell I, as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree, into
great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into
the field; but God knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could
bear; where, for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life, and as
now past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.
141. And withal,
that scripture did seize upon my soul, "Or profane person, as Esau, who for
one morsel of meat, sold his birthright; for ye know, how that afterward, when
he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of
repentance, so he sought it carefully with tears" (Heb 12:16,17).
142. 'Now was I
as one bound, I felt myself shut out unto the judgment to come; nothing now for
two years together would abide with me, but damnation, and an expectation of
damnation; I say, nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few
moments for relief, as in the sequel you will see.'
143. These words
were to my soul like fetters of brass to my legs, in the continual sound of
which I went for several months together. But about ten or eleven o'clock one
day, as I was walking under a hedge, full of sorrow in guilt, God knows, and
bemoaning myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should arise within me;
suddenly this sentence bolted in upon me, The blood of Christ remits all guilt.
At this I made a stand in my spirit; with that, this word took hold upon me,
begin, "The blood of Jesus Christ, his Son, cleanseth us from all sin"
(1 John 1:7).
144. Now I began
to conceive peace in my soul, in methought I saw as if the tempter did leer 35
and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what he had done. At the same time
also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ thus represented to me, that my sin,
when compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, then this little clot
or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me
good encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also,
methought I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins; but because
it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again.
145. 'But chiefly
by the afore-mentioned scripture, concerning Esau's selling of his birthright;
for that scripture would lie all day long, all the week long, yea, all the year
long in my mind, and hold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myself;
for when I would strive to turn me to this scripture, or that, for relief, still
that sentence would be sounding in me, "For ye know, how that afterward,
when he would have inherited the blessing - he found no place of repentance,
though he sought it carefully with tears."'
146. Sometimes
also, 36 I should have a touch from that in Luke
22:32, "I have prayed for the, that thy faith fail not"; but it would
not abide upon me; neither could I indeed, when I considered my state, find
ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of that grace
within me, having sinned as I had done. Now was I tore and rent in heavy case,
for many days together.
147. Then began I
with sad and careful heart, to consider of the nature and largeness of my sin,
and to search in the Word of God, if I could in any place espy a word of
promise, or any encouraging sentence by which I might take relief. Wherefore I
began to consider that third of Mark, All manner of sins and blasphemies shall
be forgiven unto the sons of men, wherewith soever they shall blaspheme. Which
place, methought, at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise, for the
pardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought it was
rather to be understood as relating more chiefly to those who had, while in a
natural estate, committed such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who
had not only received light and mercy, but that had, both after, and also
contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.
148. I feared
therefore that this wicked sin of mine, might be that sin unpardonable, of which
he there thus speaketh. "But he they shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost
hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation" (Mark 3:29).
And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence in the
Hebrews common "For ye know, how that afterward, when he would have
inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance,
though he sought it carefully with tears." 'And this stuck always with me.'
149. 'And now was
I both the burden and a terror to myself, nor did I ever so know, as now, what
it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh, how gladly now would I
have been anybody but myself! Anything but a man! and in any condition but mine
own! for there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that it
was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from
wrath to come.'
150. And now
began I to labour to call again time that was past; wishing a thousand times
twice told, that the day was yet to come, when I should be tempted to such a
sin! concluding with great indignation, both against my heart, and all assaults,
how I would rather have been torn in pieces, than found a consenter thereto.
But, alas! these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings, were now too late to
help me; the thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen.
Oh! thought I, "that it was with me as in months past, as in the days when
God preserved me!" [Job 29:2]
151. Then again,
being loath and unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with others, to
see if I could find that any of those that were saved had done as I had done. So
I considered David's adultery and murder, and found them most heinous crimes;
and those too committed after light and grace received; but yet but considering,
I perceived that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of
Moses; from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of his Word, deliver
him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof; 'I had
sold my Saviour.'
152. Now again
should I be as if racked upon the wheel, 37 when I
considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so void of
grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin but this? Must it needs
be the great transgression? (Psa 19:13) Must that wicked one touch
my soul? (1 John 5:18) Oh, what stings did I find in all these sentences!
153. 'What,
thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable? But one sin that layeth
the soul without the reach of God's mercy; and must I be guilty of that? Must it
needs be that? Is there but one sin among so many millions of sins, for which
there is no forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh, unhappy sin! Oh, unhappy
man! These things would so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell
what to do; I thought, at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to
aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, "Ye know how that
afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected." Oh!
none knows the terrors of those days but myself.'
154. After this I
came to consider of Peter's sin, which he committed in denying his master; and
indeed, this came nighest to mine, of any that I could find; for he had denied
his Saviour, as I, and that after light and mercy received; yea, and that too,
after warning given him. I also considered, that he did both once and twice; and
that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances
together, that, if possible, I might find help, yet I considered again, that his
was but a denial of his master, but mine was a selling of my Saviour. Wherefore
I thought with myself, that I came nearer to Judas, than either to David or
Peter.
155. Here again
my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it would grind me, as it were,
to powder, to discern the preservation of God towards others, while I fell into
the snare; for in my thus considering of other men's sins, and comparing of them
with my own, I could evidently see how God preserved them, notwithstanding their
wickedness, and would not let them, as he had let me, to become a son of
perdition.
156. But oh, how
did my soul, at this time, prize the preservation that God did set about his
people! Ah, how safely did I see them walk, whom God had hedge in! They were
within his care, protection, and special providence; though they were full as
bad as I by nature; yet because he loved them, he would not suffer them to fall
without the range of mercy; but as for me, I was gone, I had done it; he would
not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to
fall as I had done. Now, did those blessed places, that spake of God's keeping
his people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, but to show
me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed.
157. 'Now I saw,
that as God had his hand in all providences and dispensations that overtook his
elect, so he had his hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against
him, not to animate them unto wickedness, but to choose their temptations and
troubles for them; and also to leave them, for a time, to such sins only as
might not destroy, but humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them
in the way off the renewing of his mercy. But oh, what love, what care, what
kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe and
dreadful of all God's ways to his people! He would let David, Hezekiah, Solomon,
Peter, and others fall, but he would not let them fall into sin unpardonable,
nor into hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the men that God hath loved;
these be the men that God, though he chastiseth them, keeps them in safety by
him, and them whom he makes to abide under the shadow of the Almighty. But all
these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought
on, it was killing to me. If I thought how God kept his own, that was killing to
me. If I thought of how I was falling myself, that was killing to me. As all
things wrought together for the best, and to do good to them that were the
called, according to his purpose; so I thought that all things wrought for my
damage, and for my eternal overthrow.'
158. Then, again,
I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas, that, if possible, I might find
that mine differed from that which, in truth, is unpardonable. And, oh! thought
I, if it 'should differ from it,' though but the breadth of an hair, what a
happy condition is my soul in! And, by considering, I found that Judas did his
intentionally, but mine was against my 'prayer and' strivings; besides, his was
committed with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden; 'all
this while' I was tossed to and fro, like the locusts, and driven from trouble
to sorrow; hearing always the sound of Esau's fall in mine ears, and of the
dreadful consequences thereof.
159. Yet this
consideration about Judas, his sin was, for a while, some little relief unto me;
for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances, transgressed so foully as he. But
this was quickly gone again, for, I thought with myself, there might be more
ways than one to commit the unpardonable sin; 'also I thought' that there might
be degrees of that, as well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for ought I
yet could perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be
passed by.
160. 'I was often
now ashamed, that I should be like such an ugly man as Judas; I thought, also,
how loathsome I should be unto all the saints at the day of judgment; insomuch,
that now I could scarce see a good man, that I believed had a good conscience,
but I should feel my heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence. Oh! now
I saw a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was to have a good
conscience before him.'
161. 'I was much
about this time tempted to content myself, by receiving some false opinion; as
that there should be no such thing as a day of judgment, that we should not rise
again, and that sin was no such grievous thing; the tempter suggesting thus, For
if these things should indeed be true, yet to believe otherwise, would yield you
ease for the present. If you must perish, never torment yourself so much before
hand; drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind, by possessing your mind
with some such conclusions that Atheists and Ranters do use to help themselves
withal.'
162. 'But, oh!
when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as it were, within a step,
hath death and judgment been in my view! Methought the judge stood at the door,
I was as if it was come already; so that such things could have no
entertainment. But, methinks, I see by this, that Satan will use any means to
keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security,
blindness, darkness, and error is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked
one.'
163. 'I found it
hard work now to pray to God, because despair was swallowing me up; I thought I
was, as with a tempest, driven away from God, for always when I cried to God for
mercy, this would come in, It is too late, I am lost, God hath let me fall; not
to my correction, but condemnation; my sin is unpardonable; and I know,
concerning Esau, how that, after he had sold his birthright, he would have
received the blessing, but was rejected. About this time, I did light on that
dreadful story of that miserable mortal, Francis Spira; 38
a book that was to my troubled spirit as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound;
every sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of his
actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his
wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, languishing and pining away under
that mighty hand of God that was upon him, was as knives and daggers in my soul;
especially that sentence of his was frightful to me, Man knows the beginning of
sin, but who bounds the issues thereof? Then would the former sentence, as the
conclusion of all, fall like a hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience;
"for you know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the
blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought
it carefully with tears."'
164. Then was I
struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that at sometimes I could, for
whole days together, feel my very body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter
under the sense of the dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that
have sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging
and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at
some times, as if my breast bone would have split in sunder; then I thought of
that concerning Judas, who, by his falling headlong, burst asunder, and all his
bowels gushed out (Acts 1:18).
165. I feared
also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on Cain, even continual fear
and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt that he had charged on him for the
blood of his brother Abel. Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink, under the
burden that was upon me; which burden also did so oppress me, that I could
neither stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet.
166. Yet that
saying would sometimes come to my mind, He hath received gifts for the
rebellious (Psa 68:18). "The rebellious," thought I; why, surely they
are such as once were under subjection to their prince, even those who, after
they have sworn subjection to his government, have taken up arms against him;
'and this, thought I, is my very condition; once I loved him, feared him, served
him; but now I am a rebel; I have sold him, I have said, Let him go if he will;
but yet he has gifts for rebels, and then why not for me?'
167. This
sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold thereof, that some,
though small, refreshment might have been conceived by me; but in this also I
missed of my desire, I was driven with force beyond it, 'I was' like a man that
is going to the place of execution, even by that place where he would fain creep
in and hide himself, but may not.
168. Again, after
I had thus considered the sins of the saints in particular, and found
mine went beyond them, then I began to think thus with myself: Set the case I
should put all theirs together, and mine alone against them, might I not then
find some encouragement? For if mine, though bigger than any one, yet should but
be equal to all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough 'in
it' to wash away all theirs, hath also virtue enough in it to do away mine,
though this one be full as big, if no bigger, than all theirs. Here, again, I
should consider the sin of David, of Solomon, of Manasseh, of Peter, and the
rest of the great offenders; and should also labour, what I might with fairness,
to aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances: but, alas! It was
all in vain. 39
169. 'I should
think with myself that David shed blood to cover his adultery, and that by the
sword of the children of Ammon; a work that could not be done but by continuance
and deliberate contrivance, which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then
this would turn upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which
there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and
who shall save you from that?'
170. 'Then I
thought on Solomon, and how he sinned in loving strange women, in falling away
to their idols, in building them temples, in doing this after light, in his old
age, after great mercy received; but the same conclusion that cut me off in the
former consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that all those were but
sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy; but I had sold my
Saviour, and there now remained no more sacrifice for sin.'
171. 'I would
then add to those men's sins, the sins of Manasseh, how that he built altars for
idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed times, used enchantment, had to
do with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in
the fire in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of Jerusalem run down with
the blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a bloody
colour; yea, it would turn again upon me: They are none of them of the nature of
yours; you have parted with Jesus, you have sold your Saviour.'
172. This one
consideration would always kill my heart, My sin was point blank against my
Saviour; and that too, at that height, that I had in my heart said of him, Let
him go if he will. Oh! methought, this sin was bigger than the sins of a
country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, no one pardonable, nor all of them
together, was able to equal mine; mine outwent them every one.
173. Now I should
find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a dreadful judge; yet this
was my torment, I could not escape his hand: "It is a fearful thing to fall
into the hands of the living God" (Heb 10:31). But blessed be his grace,
that scripture, in these flying sins, 40 would
call as running after me, "I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, thy
transgressions; and, as a cloud, thy sins: return unto me, for I have redeemed
thee" (Isa 44:22). This, I say, would come in upon my mind, when I was
fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee from his face, that is, my mind and
spirit fled before him; by reason of his highness, I could not endure; then
would the text cry, "Return unto me"; it would cry aloud with a very
great voice, "Return unto me, for I have redeemed thee." Indeed, this
would make me make a little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind
me, to see if I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon
in his hand, but I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and
darkened again by that sentence, "For you know how that afterwards, when he
would have inherited the blessing, he found no place of repentance, though he
sought it carefully with tears." Wherefore I could not return, but fled,
though at sometimes it cried, "Return, return," as if it did holloa
after me. But I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from God;
for that other, as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, "For you
know how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was
rejected," &c.
174. 'Once as I
was walking to and fro in a good man's shop, bemoaning of myself in my sad and
doleful state, afflicting myself with self-abhorrence for this wicked and
ungodly thought; lamenting, also, this hard hap of mine, for that I should
commit so great a sin, greatly fearing I should not be pardoned; praying, also,
in my heart, that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy
Ghost, the Lord would show it me. And being now ready to sink with fear,
suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the window, the noise of wind
upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, Didst ever
refuse to be justified by the blood of Christ? And, withal my whole life and
profession past was, in a moment, opened to me, wherein I was made to see that
designedly I had not; so my heart answered groaningly, No. then fell, with
power, that word of God upon me, "See that ye refuse not him that
speaketh" (Heb 12:25). This made a strange seizure upon my spirit; it
brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart of all those
tumultuous thoughts that before did use, like masterless hell-hounds, to roar
and bellow, and make a hideous noise within me. It showed me, also, that Jesus
Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for me, that he had not, as I had
feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul; yea, this was a kind of a chide for
my proneness to desperation; a kind of a threatening me if I did not,
notwithstanding my sins and the heinousness of them, venture my salvation upon
the Son of God. But as to my determining about this strange dispensation, what
it was I knew not; or from whence it came I know not. I have not yet, in twenty
years' time, been able to make a judgment of it; I thought then what here I
shall be loath to speak. But verily, that sudden rushing wind was as if an angel
had come upon me; but both it and the salvation I will leave until the day of
judgment; only this I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul, it persuaded me
there might be hope; it showed me, as I thought, what the sin unpardonable was,
and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to flee to Jesus Christ for
mercy. But, I say, concerning this dispensation, I know not what yet to say unto
it; which was, also, in truth, the cause that, at first, I did not speak of it
in the book; I do now, also, leave it to be thought on by men of sound judgment.
I lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the
promise; yet, seeing I am here unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might
not be altogether inexpedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot now
relate the matter as there I did experience it. This lasted, in the savour of
it, for about three or four days, and the I began to mistrust and to despair
again.' 41
175. 'Wherefore,
still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing which way I should tip; only
this I found my soul desire, even to cast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer
and supplication. But, oh! it was hard for me now to bear the face to pray to
this Christ for mercy, against whom I had thus most vilely sinned; it was hard
work, I say, to offer to look him in the face against whom I had so vilely
sinned; and, indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer,
after backsliding from him, as to do any other thing. Oh, the shame that did now
attend me! especially when I thought I am now a-going to pray to him for mercy
that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed, yea, even
confounded, because this villany had been committed by me; but I saw there was
but one way with me, I must go to him and humble myself unto him, and beg that
he, of his wonderful mercy, would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my
wretched sinful soul.'
176. 'Which, when
the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me, That I ought not to pray to
God; for prayer was not for any in my case, neither could it do me good, because
I had rejected the Mediator, by whom all prayer came with acceptance to God the
Father, and without whom no prayer could come into his presence. Wherefore, now
to pray is but to add sin to sin; yea, now to pray, seeing God has cast you off,
is the next way to anger and offend him more than you ever did before.'
177. 'For God,
saith he, hath been weary of you for these several years already, because you
are none of his; your bawlings in his ears hath been no pleasant voice to him;
and, therefore, he let you sin this sin, that you might be quite cut off; and
will you pray still? This the devil urged, and set forth that, in Numbers, when
Moses said to the children of Israel, That because they would not go up to
posses the land when God would have them, therefore, for ever after, God did bar
them out from thence, though they prayed they might, with tears (Num 14:36,37),
&c.'
178. 'As it is
said in another place (Exo 21:14), the man that sins presumptuously shall be
taken from God's altar, that he may die; even as Joab was by King Solomon, when
he thought to find shelter there (1 Kings 2:28), &c. These places did pinch
me very sore; yet, my case being desperate, I thought with myself I can but die;
and if it must be so, it shall once be said, that such an one died at the foot
of Christ in prayer. 42 This I did, but with great
difficulty, God doth know; and that because, together with this, still that
saying about Esau would be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep
the way of the tree of life, lest I should taste thereof and live. Oh! who knows
how hard a thing I found it to come to God in prayer.'
179. 'I did also
desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I feared that God would give
them no heart to do it; yea, I trembled in my soul to think that some or other
of them would shortly tell me, that God had said those words to them that he
once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel, "Pray not
thou for this people," for I have rejected them (Jer 11:14). So, pray not
for him, for I have rejected him. Yea, I thought that he had whispered this to
some of them already, only they durst not tell me so, neither durst I ask them
of it, for fear, if it should be so, it would make me quite besides myself. Man
knows the beginning of sin, said Spira, but who bounds the issues thereof?'
180. About this
time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient Christian, and told
him all my case; I told him, also, that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin
against the Holy Ghost; and he told me he thought so too. Here, therefore, I had
but cold comfort; but, talking a little more with him, I found him, though a
good man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore, I went to God
again, as well as I could, for mercy still.
181. Now, also,
did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying, that, seeing I had thus
parted with the Lord Jesus, and provoked him to displeasure, who would have
stood between my soul and the flame of devouring fire, there was now but one
way, and that was, to pray that God the Father would be the Mediator betwixt his
Son and me, that we might be reconciled again, and that I might have that
blessed benefit in him that his blessed saints enjoyed.
182. Then did
that scripture seize upon my soul, He is of one mind, and who can turn him? Oh!
I saw it was as easy to persuade him to make a new world, a new covenant, or new
Bible, besides that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to
persuade him that what he had done already was mere folly, and persuade with him
to alter, yea, to disannul, the whole way of salvation; and then would that
saying rend my soul asunder, "Neither is there salvation in any other: for
there is none other name under heaven, given among men, whereby we must be
saved" (Acts 4:12).
183. 'Now, the
most free, and full, and gracious words of the gospel were the greatest torment
to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me as the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the
remembrance of a Saviour; because I had cast him off, brought forth the villany
of my sin, and my loss by it to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like
this. Every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of his grace, love, goodness,
kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises and blessed exhortations,
comforts and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still, unto
these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for
themselves in my heart; aye, this is the Jesus, the loving Saviour, the Son of
God, whom thou hast parted with, whom you slighted, despised, and abused. This
is the only Saviour, the only Redeemer, the only one that could so love sinners
as to wash them from their sins in his own most precious blood; but you have no
part nor lot in this Jesus, you have put him from you, you have said in your
heart, Let him go if he will. Now, therefore, you are severed from him; you have
severed yourself from him. Behold, then, his goodness, but yourself to be no
partaker of it. Oh, thought I, what have I lost! What have I parted with! What
have I disinherited my poor soul of! Oh! it is sad to be destroyed by the grace
and mercy of God; to have the Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer (Rev
6). 43 I also trembled, as I have said, at the
sight of the saints of God, especially at those that greatly loved him, and that
made it their business to walk continually with him in this world; for they did,
both in their words, their carriages, and all their expressions of tenderness
and fear to sin against their precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and
also add continual affliction and shame unto my soul. The dread of them was upon
me, and I trembled at God's Samuels' (1 Sam 16:4).
184. Now, also,
the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way, saying that Christ,
indeed, did pity my case, and was sorry for my loss; but forasmuch as I had
sinned and transgressed, as I had done, he could by no means help me, nor save
me from what I feared; for my sin was not of the nature of theirs for whom he
bled and died, neither was it counted with those that were laid to his charge
when he hanged on the tree. Therefore, unless he should come down from heaven
and die anew for this sin, though, indeed, he did greatly pity me, yet I could
have no benefit of him. These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as
ridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting
cogitations; every of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should have so
much love as to pity me when he could not help me; nor did I think that the
reason why he could not help me was because his merits were weak, or his grace
and salvation spent on them already, but because his faithfulness to his
threatening would not let him extend his mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I
have already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of that pardon that
was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was more
easy for heaven and earth to pass away than for me to have eternal life. So that
the ground of all these fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief that I
had of the stability of the holy Word of God, and also, from my being
misinformed of the nature of my sin.
185. But, oh! how
this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I should be guilty of such a
sin for which he did not die. These thoughts would so confound me, and imprison
me, and tie me up from faith, that I knew not what to do; but, oh! thought I,
that he would come down again! Oh! that the work of man's redemption was yet to
be done by Christ! How would I pray him and entreat him to count and reckon this
sin amongst the rest for which he died! But this scripture would strike me down
as dead, "Christ being raised from the death dieth no more; death hath no
more dominion over him" (Rom 6:9). 44
186. Thus, by the
strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, was my soul, like a broken vessel,
driven as with the winds, and tossed sometimes headlong into despair, sometimes
upon the covenant of works, and sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the
conditions thereof, might, so far forth as I thought myself concerned, be turned
another way and changed. But in all these I was but as those that justle against
the rocks; more broken, scattered, and rent. Oh, the unthought of imaginations,
frights, fears, and terrors that are affected by a thorough application of
guilt, yielded to desperation! This is the man that hath "his dwelling
among the tombs" with the dead; that is, always crying out and
"cutting himself with stones" (Mark 5:2-5). But I say, all in vain;
desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will not save him; nay,
heaven and earth shall pass away before one jot or tittle of the Word and law of
grace shall fall or be removed. This I saw, this I felt, and under this I
groaned; yet this advantage I got thereby, namely, a farther confirmation of the
certainty of the way of salvation, and that the Scriptures were the Word of God!
Oh! I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus
Christ, the rock of man's salvation; what was done could not be undone, added
to, nor altered. I saw, indeed, that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ,
even the sin which is unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven, for the
Word would shut him out.
187. Thus was I
always sinking, whatever I did think or do. So one day I walked to a
neighbouring town, and sat down upon a settle in the street, and fell into a
very deep pause about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to; and,
after long musing, I lifted up my head, but methought I saw as if the sun that
shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light, and as if the very stones in
the street, and tiles upon the houses, did bend themselves against me; methought
that they all combined together to banish me out of the world; I was abhorred of
them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because I
had sinned against the Saviour. O how happy, now, was every creature over [what]
I was; for they stood fast and kept their station, but I was gone and lost.
188. Then
breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said 'to myself,' with a grievous
sigh, How can God comfort such a wretch as I? I had no sooner said it but this
returned upon me, as an echo doth answer a voice, This sin is not unto death. At
which I was as if I had been raised out of a grave, and cried out again, Lord,
how couldest thou find out such a word as this? for I was filled with admiration
at the fitness, and, also, at the unexpectedness of the sentence, 'the fitness
of the Word, the rightness of the timing of it, the power, and sweetness, and
light, and glory that came with it, also, was marvelous to me to find. I was
now, for the time, out of doubt as to that about which I so much was in doubt
before; my fears before were, that my sin was not pardonable, and so that I had
no right to pray, to repent, &c., or that if I did, it would be of no
advantage or profit to me. But now, thought I, if this sin is not unto death,
then it is pardonable; therefore, from this I have encouragement to come to God,
by Christ, for mercy, to consider the promise of forgiveness as that which
stands with open arms to receive me, as well as others. This, therefore, was a
great easement to my mind; to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not
the sin unto death (1 John 5:16,17). None but those that know what my trouble,
by their own experience, was, can tell what relief came to my soul by this
consideration; it was a release to me from my former bonds, and a shelter from
my former storm. I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with other sinners,
and to have as good right to the Word and prayer as any of them.' 45
189. Now, 'I
say,' I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, but that there might be
hopes for me to obtain forgiveness. But, oh, how Satan did now lay about him for
to bring me down again! But he could by no means do it, neither this day nor the
most part of the next, for this sentence stood like a mill post at my back; yet,
towards the evening of the next day, I felt this word begin to leave me and to
withdraw its supportation from me, and so I returned to my old fears again, but
with a great deal of grudging and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of
despair; 'nor could my faith now longer retain this word.'
190. But the next
day, at evening, being under many fears, I went to seek the Lord; and as I
prayed, I cried, 'and my soul cried' to him in these words, with strong
cries:—O Lord, I beseech thee, show me that thou hast loved me with
everlasting love (Jer 31:3). I had no sooner said it but, with sweetness, this
returned upon me, as an echo or sounding again, "I have loved thee with an
everlasting love." Now I went to bed at quiet; also, when I awaked the next
morning, it was fresh upon my soul—'and I believed it.'
191. But yet the
tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as an hundred times that he
that day did labour to break my peace. Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did
then meet with as I strove to hold by this word; that of Esau would fly in my
face like to lightning. I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an
hour, yet God did bear me up and keep my heart upon this word, from which I had
also, for several days together, very much sweetness and comfortable hopes of
pardon; for thus it was made out to me, I loved thee whilst thou wast committing
this sin, I loved thee before, I love thee still, and I will love thee for ever.
192. Yet I saw my
sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not but conclude, and that
with great shame and astonishment, that I had horribly abused the holy Son of
God; wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity him, and my bowels to
yearn towards him; for I saw he was still my Friend, and did reward me good for
evil; yea, the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and
Saviour Jesus Christ did work, at this time, such a strong and hot desire of
revengement upon myself for the abuse I had done unto him, that, to speak as
then I thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could
freely 'then' have spilt it all at the command and feet of this my Lord and
Saviour.
193. And as I was
thus in musing and in my studies, 'considering' how to love the Lord and to
express my love to him, that saying came in upon me, "If thou, Lord,
shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand? But there is
forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared" (Psa 130:3,4). These
were good words to me, 46 especially the latter
part thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that he might be
feared; that is, as then I understood it, that he might be loved and had in
reverence; for it was thus made out to me, that the great God did set so high an
esteem upon the love of his poor creatures, that rather than he would go without
their love he would pardon their transgressions.
194. And now was
that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by it, Then shall they be
ashamed and confounded, "and never open their mouth any more because of
their shame, when I am pacified toward them for all that they have done, saith
the Lord God" (Eze 16:63). Thus was my soul at this time, and, as I then
did think, for ever, set at liberty from being again afflicted with my former
guilt and amazement.
195. But before
many weeks were over I began to despond again, fearing lest, notwithstanding all
that I had enjoyed, that yet I might be deceived and destroyed at the last; for
this consideration came strong into my mind, that whatever comfort and peace I
thought I might have from the Word of the promise of life, yet unless there
could be found in my refreshment a concurrence and agreement in the Scriptures,
let me think what I will thereof, and hold it never so fast, I should find no
such thing at the end; "for the Scripture cannot be broken" (John
10:35).
196. Now began my
heart again to ache and fear I might meet with disappointment at the last;
wherefore I began, with all seriousness, to examine my former comfort, and to
consider whether one that had sinned as I have done, might with confidence trust
upon the faithfulness of God, laid down in those words by which I had been
comforted and on which I had leaned myself. But now were brought those sayings
to my mind, "For it is impossible for those who were once
enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of
the Holy Ghost, and have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the
world to come, if they shall fall away, to renew them again unto
repentance" (Heb 6:4-6). "For if we sin willfully after that we have
received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins,
but a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall
devour the adversaries" (Heb 10:26,27). Even "as Esau, who, for one
morsel of meat sold his birthright; for ye know how that afterward, when he
would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of
repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears" (Heb 12:16,17).
197. Now was the
word of the gospel forced from my soul, so that no promise or encouragement was
to be found in the Bible for me; and now would that saying work upon my spirit
to afflict me, "Rejoice not, O Israel, for joy as other people"
(Hosea 9:1). For I saw indeed there was cause of rejoicing for those that held
to Jesus; but as for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left
myself neither foot-hold, nor hand-hold, amongst all the stays and props in the
precious word of life.
198. And truly I
did now feel myself to sink into a gulf, as an house whose foundation is
destroyed; I did liken myself, in this condition, unto the case of a child that
was fallen into a mill-pit, who, though it could make some shift to scrabble and
spraul in the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot,
therefore at last it must die in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault
had fastened on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, "This is
for many days" (Dan 10:14). And indeed I found it was so; for I
could not be delivered, nor brought to peace again, until well nigh two years
and an half were completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in
themselves they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition
would be eternal, they were at sometimes as an help and refreshment to me.
199. For, thought
I, many days are not, not for ever, many days will have an end, therefore seeing
I was to be afflicted, not a few, but many days, yet I was glad it was but for
many days. Thus, I say, I could recall myself sometimes, and give myself a help,
for as soon as ever the words came 'into my mind' at first, I knew my trouble
would be long; yet this would be but sometimes, for I could not always think on
this, nor ever be helped 'by it,' though I did.
200. Now, while
these Scriptures lay before me, and laid sin 'anew' at my door, that saying in
the 18th of Luke, with others, did encourage me to prayer. Then the tempter
again laid at me very sore, suggesting, That neither the mercy of God, nor yet
the blood of Christ, did at all concern me, nor could they help me for my sin;
'therefore it was in vain to pray.' Yet, thought I, I will pray. But, said the
tempter, your sin is unpardonable. 'Well, said I, I will pray. It is to no boot,
said he.' Yet, said I, I will pray. So I went to prayer to God; and while I was
at prayer, I uttered words to this effect, Lord, Satan tells me that neither thy
mercy, nor Christ's blood, is sufficient to save my soul; Lord, shall I honour
thee most, by believing thou wilt and canst? or 'him,' by believing thou neither
wilt nor canst? Lord, I would fain honour thee, by believing thou wilt and
canst.
201. And as I was
thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my heart, "O [wo]man,
great is thy faith" (Matt 15:28), even as if one had clapped me on
the back, as I was on my knees before God. Yet I was not able to believe this,
'that this was a prayer of faith,' till almost six months after; for I could not
think that I had faith, or that there should be a word for me to act faith on;
therefore I should still be as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went
mourning up and down 'in a sad condition,' crying, Is his mercy clean gone? Is
his mercy clean gone for ever? And I thought sometimes, even when I was groaning
in these expressions, they did seem to make a question whether it was or no; yet
I greatly feared it was.
202. 'There was
nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of doubt, as to this thing
in question; and, as I was vehemently desiring to know if there was indeed hopes
for me, these words came rolling into my mind, "Will the Lord cast off for
ever? And will he be a favourable no more? Is his mercy clean gone for ever?
Doth his promise fail for evermore? Hath God forgotten to be gracious? Hath he
in anger shut up his tender mercies?" (Psa 77:7-9). And all the while they
run in my mind, methought I had this still as the answer, It is a question
whether he had or no; it may be he hath not. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me
to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed he had not, nor would so cast off,
but would be favourable; that his promise doth not fail, and that he had not
forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger shut up his tender mercy.
Something, also, there was upon my heart at the same time, which I now cannot
call to mind; which, with this text, did sweeten my heart, and made me conclude
that his mercy might not be quite gone, nor clean gone for ever.' 47
203. At another
time, I remember I was again much under the question, Whether the blood of
Christ was sufficient to save my soul? In which doubt I continued from morning
till about seven or eight at night; and at last, when I was, as it were, quite
worn out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did sound
suddenly within my heart, He is able. But methought this word ABLE was spoke so
loud unto me; it showed such a great word, 'it seemed to be writ in great
letters,' and gave such a justle to my fear and doubt, I mean for the time it
tarried with me, which was about a day, as I never had from that all my life,
either before or after that (Heb 7:25).
204. But one
morning, when I was again at prayer, and trembling under the fear of this, that
no word of God could help me, that piece of a sentence darted in upon me,
"My grace is sufficient." At this methought I felt some stay, as if
there might be hopes. But, oh how good a thing it is for God to send his Word!
For about a fortnight before I was looking on this very place, and then I
thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, 'therefore' I threw down my
book in a pet. 'Then I thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large
enough'; but now, it was as if it had arms of grace so wide that it could not
only enclose me, but many more besides.
205. By these
words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding conflicts, for the space of
seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be in and out, sometimes twenty times a
day; comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a
furlong as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold; and this was not
only now and then, but my whole seven weeks' experience; for this about the
sufficiency of grace, and that of Esau's parting with his birthright, would be
like a pair of scales within my mind, sometimes one end would be uppermost, and
sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.
206. Therefore I
still did pray to God, that he would come in with this Scripture more fully on
my heart; to wit, that he would help me to apply the whole sentence, 'for as yet
I could not: that he gave, I gathered; but further I could not go,' for as yet
it only helped me to hope 'there might be mercy for me,' "My grace is
sufficient"; and though it came no farther, it answered my former question;
to wit, that there was hope; yet, because "for thee" was left out, I
was not contented, but prayed to God for that also. Wherefore, one day as I was
in a meeting of God's people, full of sadness and terror, for my fears again
were strong upon me; and as I was now thinking my soul was never the better, but
my case most sad and fearful, these words did, with great power, suddenly break
in upon me, "My grace is sufficient for thee, my grace is sufficient for
thee, my grace is sufficient for thee," three times together; and, oh!
methought that every word as a mighty word unto me; as my, and grace,
and sufficient, and for thee; they were then, and sometimes are
still, far bigger than others be.
207. At which
time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as though I had seen the
Lord Jesus look down from heaven through the tiles upon me, and direct these
words unto me. This sent me mourning home, it broke my heart, and filled me full
of joy, and laid me low as the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in
this glory and refreshing comfort, yet it continued with me for several weeks,
and did encourage me to hope. But so soon as that powerful operation of it was
taken off my heart, that other about Esau returned upon me as before; so my soul
did hang as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up and sometimes down, now in
peace, and anon again in terror.
208. Thus I went
on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes tormented; and, especially
at some times, my torment would be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed
in the Hebrews, would be set before me, as the only sentences that would keep me
out of heaven. Then, again, I should begin to repent that ever that thought went
through me, I should also think thus with myself, Why, how many scriptures are
there against me? There are but three or four: and cannot God miss them, and
save me for all them? Sometimes, again, I should think, Oh! if it were not for
these three or four words, now how might I be comforted? And I could hardly
forbear, at some times, but to wish them out of the book.
209. Then
methought I should see as if both Peter, and Paul, and John, and all the
writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me in derision; and as if they
said unto me, All our words are truth, one of as much force as another. It is
not we that have cut you off, but you have cast away yourself; there is none of
our sentences that you must take hold upon but these, and such as these:
"It is impossible; there remains no more sacrifice for sin" (Heb 6).
And "it had been better for them not to have known" the will of God,
"than after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment
delivered unto them" (2 Peter 2:21). "For the Scriptures cannot be
broken." 48
210. 'These, as
the elders of the city of refuge, I saw were to be the judges both of my case
and me, while I stood, with the avenger of blood at my heels, trembling at their
gate for deliverance, also with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that
they would shut me out for ever (Josh 20:3,4).'
211. Thus was I
confounded, not knowing what to do, nor how to be satisfied in this question,
Whether the scriptures could agree in the salvation of my soul? I quaked at the
apostles, I knew their words were true, and that they must stand for ever.
212. And I
remember one day, as I was in diverse frames of spirit, and considering that
these frames were still according to the nature of the several scriptures that
came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was I quiet; but if that of Esau,
then tormented; Lord, thought I, if both these scriptures would meet in my heart
at once, I wonder which of them would get the better of me. So methought I had a
longing mind that they might come both together upon me; yea, I desired of God
they might.
213. Well, about
two or three days after, so they did indeed; they bolted both upon me at a time,
and did work and struggle strangely in me for a while; at last, that about
Esau's birthright began to wax weak, and withdraw, and vanish; and this about
the sufficiency of grace prevailed with peace and joy. And as I was in a muse
about this thing, that scripture came home upon me, "Mercy rejoiceth
against judgment" (James 2:13).
214. This was a
wonderment to me; yet truly I am apt to think it was of God; for the word of the
law and wrath must give place to the word of life and grace; because, though the
word of condemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth far
exceed in glory (2 Cor 3:8-12; Mark 9:5-7). Also, that Moses and Elias must both
vanish, and leave Christ and his saints alone.
215. This
scripture did also most sweetly visit my soul, "And him that cometh to me I
will in no wise cast out" (John 6:37). Oh, the comfort that I have had from
this world, "in no wise"! as who should say, by no means, for no
thing, whatever he hath done. But Satan would greatly labour to pull this
promise from me, telling of me that Christ did not mean me, and such as I, but
sinners of a lower rank, that had not done as I had done. But I should answer
him again, Satan, here is in this word no such exception; but "him that
comes," HIM, any him; "him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast
out." And this I well remember still, that of all the sleights that Satan
used to take this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put this
question, But do you come aright? And I have thought the reason was, because he
thought I knew full well what coming aright was; for I saw that to come aright
was to come as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet
of mercy, condemning myself for sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word
'of God in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end and I
at the other. Oh, what work did we make!' It was for this in John, 'I say, that
we did so tug and strive'; he pulled and I pulled; but, God be praised, 'I got
the better of him,' I got some sweetness from it.
216. But,
notwithstanding all these helps and blessed words of grace, yet that of Esau's
selling of his birthright would still at times distress my conscience; for
though I had been most sweetly comforted, and that but just before, yet when
that came into 'my' mind, it would make me fear again, I could not be quite rid
thereof, it would every day be with me: wherefore now I went another way to
work, even to consider the nature of this blasphemous thought; I mean, if I
should take the words at the largest, and give them their own natural force and
scope, even every word therein. So when I had thus considered, I found, that if
they were fairly taken, they would amount to this, that I had freely left the
Lord Jesus Christ to his choice, whether he would be my Saviour or no; for the
wicked words were these, Let him go if he will. Then that scripture gave me
hope, "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee" (Heb 13:5). O Lord,
said I, but I have left thee. Then it answered again, "But I will not leave
thee." For this I thank God also.
217. Yet I was
grievously afraid he should, and found it exceeding hard to trust him, seeing I
had so offended him. I could have been exceeding glad that this thought had
never befallen, for then I thought I could, with more ease and freedom
abundance, have leaned upon his grace. I see it was with me, as it was with
Joseph's brethren; the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with
fears that their brother would at last despise them (Gen 50:15-17).
218. But above
all the scriptures that I yet did meet with, that in the twentieth of Joshua was
the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the slayer that was to flee for
refuge. And if the avenger of blood pursue the slayer, then, saith Moses, they
that are the elders of the city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hand,
because he smote his neighbour unwittingly, and hated him not aforetime. Oh,
blessed be God for this word; I was convinced that I was the slayer; and that
the avenger of blood pursued me, that I felt with great terror; only now it
remained that I inquire whether I have right to enter the city of refuge. 49
So I found that he must not, who lay in wait to shed blood: 'it was not the
willful murderer,' but he who unwittingly did it, he who did unawares shed
blood; 'not of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it unwittingly,' even
he who did not hate his neighbour before. Wherefore,
219. I thought
verily I was the man that must enter, because I had smitten my neighbour
unwittingly, and hated him not aforetime. I hated him not aforetime; no, I
prayed unto him, was tender of sinning against him; yea, and against this wicked
temptation I had strove for a twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass
through my heart, it did it in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had
right to enter this city, and the elders, which are the apostles, were not to
deliver me up. This, therefore, was great comfort to me; and did give me much
ground of hope.
220. Yet being
very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew not what ground was sure
enough to bear me, I had one question that my soul did much desire to be
resolved about; and that was, Whether it be possible for any soul that hath
indeed sinned the unpardonable sin, yet after that to receive though but the
least true spiritual comfort from God through Christ? The which, after I had
much considered, I found the answer was, No, they could not; and that for these
reasons:--
221. First,
Because those that have sinned that sin, they are debarred a share in the blood
of Christ, and being shut out of that, they must needs be void of the least
ground of hope, and so of spiritual comfort; for to such "there remaineth
no more sacrifice for sins" (Heb 10:26). Secondly, Because they are denied
a share in the promise of life; they shall never be forgiven, "neither in
this world, neither in that which is to come" (Matt 12:32). Thirdly, The
Son of God excludes them also from a share in his blessed intercession, being
for ever ashamed to own them both before his holy Father, and the blessed angels
in heaven (Mark 8:38).
222. When I had,
with much deliberation, considered of this matter, and could not but conclude
that the Lord had comforted me, and that too after this my wicked sin; then,
methought, I durst venture to come nigh unto those most fearful and terrible
scriptures, with which all this while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on
which, indeed, before I durst scarce cast mine eye, yea, had much ado an hundred
times to forbear wishing of them out of the Bible; for I thought they would
destroy me; but now, I say, I began to take some measure of encouragement to
come close to them, to read them, and consider them, and to weigh their scope
and tendency.
223. The which,
when I began to do, I found their visage changed; for they looked not so grimly
on me as before I thought they did. And, first, I came to the sixth of the
Hebrews, yet trembling for fear it should strike me; which when I had
considered, I found that the falling there intended was a falling quite away;
that is, as I conceived, a falling from, and an absolute denial of the gospel of
remission of sins by Christ; for from them the apostle begins his argument (vv
1-3). Secondly, I found that this falling away must be openly, even in the view
of the world, even so as "to put Christ to an open shame." Thirdly, I
found that those he there intended were for ever shut up of God, both in
blindness, hardness, and impenitency: it is impossible they should be renewed
again unto repentance. By all these particulars, I found, to God's everlasting
praise, my sin was not the sin in this place intended.
'First, I
confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away, that is, from the profession of
faith in Jesus unto eternal life. Secondly, I confessed that I had put Jesus
Christ to shame by my sin, but not to open shame; I did not deny him before men,
nor condemn him as a fruitless one before the world. Thirdly, Nor did I find
that God had shut me up, or denied me to come, though I found it hard work
indeed to come to him by sorrow and repentance. Blessed be God for unsearchable
grace.'
224. Then I
considered that in the tenth of the Hebrews, and found that the willful sin
there mentioned is not every willful sin, but that which doth throw off Christ,
and then his commandments too. Secondly, That must also be done openly, before
two or three witnesses, to answer that of the law (v 28). Thirdly, This sin
cannot be committed, but with great despite done to the Spirit of grace;
despising both the dissuasions from that sin, and the persuasions to the
contrary. But the Lord knows, though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not
amount to these.
225. And as
touching that in the twelfth of the Hebrews, about Esau's selling his
birthright, though this was that which killed me, and stood like a spear against
me; yet now I did consider, First, That his was not a hasty thought against the
continual labour of his mind, but a thought consented to and put in practice
likewise, and that too after some deliberation (Gen 25). Secondly, It was a
public and open action, even before his brother, if not before many more; this
made his sin of a far more heinous nature than otherwise it would have been.
Thirdly, He continued to slight his birthright: "He did eat and drink, and
went his way; thus Esau despised his birthright" (v 34). Yea, twenty
years after, he was found to despise it still. "And Esau said, I have
enough, my brother; keep that thou hast unto thyself" (Gen 33:9).
226. Now as
touching this, that Esau sought a place of repentance; thus I thought, first,
This was not for the birthright, but for the blessing; this is clear from the
apostle, and is distinguished by Esau himself; "he took away my birthright
[that is, formerly]; and, behold, now he hath taken away my blessing" (Gen
27:36). Secondly, Now, this being thus considered, I came again to the apostle,
to see what might be the mind of God, in a New Testament style and sense,
concerning Esau's sin; and so far as I could conceive, this was the mind of God,
That the birthright signified regeneration, and the blessing the eternal
inheritance; for so the apostle seems to hint, "Lest there be any
profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright";
as if he should say, Lest there be any person amongst you, that shall cast off
all those blessed beginnings of God that at present are upon him, in order to a
new birth, lest they become as Esau, even be rejected afterwards, when they
would inherit the blessing.
227. For many
there are who, in the day of grace and mercy, despise those things which are
indeed the birthright to heaven, who yet, when the deciding day appears, will
cry as loud as Esau, "Lord, Lord, open to us"; but then, as Isaac
would not repent, no more will God the Father, but will say, I have blessed
these, yea, and they shall be blessed; but as for you, depart from me, all ye
workers of iniquity (Gen 27:33; Luke 13:25-27).
228. When I had
thus considered these scriptures, and found that thus to understand them was not
against, but according to other scriptures; this still added further to my
encouragement and comfort, and also gave a great blow to that objection, to wit,
that the scripture could not agree in the salvation of my soul. And now remained
only the hinder part of the tempest, for the thunder was gone beyond me, only
some drops did still remain, that now and then would fall upon me; but because
my former frights and anguish were very sore and deep, therefore it did oft
befall me still, as it befalleth those that have been scared with fire, I
thought every voice was Fire, fire; every little touch would hurt my tender
conscience. 50
229. But one day,
as I was passing in the field, and that too with some dashes on my conscience,
fearing lest yet all was not right, suddenly this sentence fell upon my soul,
Thy righteousness is in heaven; and methought withal, I saw, with the eyes of my
soul, Jesus Christ at God's right hand; there, I say, as my righteousness; so
that wherever I was, or whatever I was adoing, God could not say of me, He wants
my righteousness, for that was just before him. I also saw, moreover, that it
was not my good frame of heart that made my righteousness better, nor yet my bad
frame that made my righteousness worse; for my righteousness was Jesus Christ
himself, the same yesterday, and to-day, and for ever (Heb 13:8).
230. Now did my
chains fall off my legs indeed, I was loosed from my affliction and irons, my
temptations also fled away; so that, from that time, those dreadful scriptures
of God left off to trouble me; now went I also home rejoicing, for the grace and
love of God. So when I came home, I looked to see if I could find that sentence,
Thy righteousness is in heaven; but could not find such a saying, wherefore my
heart began to sink again, only that was brought to my remembrance, he "of
God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and
redemption"; by this word I saw the other sentence true (1 Cor 1:30).
231. For by this
scripture, I saw that the man Christ Jesus, as he is distinct from us, as
touching his bodily presence, so he is our righteousness and sanctification
before God. Here, therefore, I lived for some time, very sweetly at peace with
God through Christ; Oh methought, Christ! Christ! there was nothing but Christ
that was before my eyes, I was not now only for looking upon this and the other
benefits of Christ apart, as of his blood, burial, or resurrection, but
considered him as a whole Christ! As he in whom all these, and all other his
virtues, relations, offices, and operations met together, and that 'as he sat'
on the right hand of God in heaven.
232. It was
glorious to me to see his exaltation, and the worth and prevalency of all his
benefits, and that because of this: now I could look from myself to him, and
should reckon that all those graces of God that now were green in me, were yet
but like those cracked groats and fourpence-halfpennies 51
that rich men carry in their purses, when their gold is in their trunks at home!
Oh, I saw my gold was in my trunk at home! In Christ, my Lord and Saviour! Now
Christ was all; all my wisdom, all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and
all my redemption.
233. Further, the
Lord did also lead me into the mystery of union with the Son of God, that I was
joined to him, that I was flesh of his flesh, and bone of his bone, and now was
that a sweet word to me in Ephesians 5:30. By this also was my faith in him, as
my righteousness, the more confirmed to me; for if he and I were one, then his
righteousness was mine, his merits mine, his victory also mine. Now could I see
myself in heaven and earth at once; in heaven by my Christ, by my head, by my
righteousness and life, though on earth by my body or person.
234. Now I saw
Christ Jesus was looked on of God, and should also be looked upon by us, as that
common or public person, 52 in whom all the whole
body of his elect are always to be considered and reckoned; that we fulfilled
the law by him, died by him, rose from the dead by him, got the victory over
sin, death, the devil, and hell, by him; when he died, we died; and so of his
resurrection. "Thy dead men shall live, together with my dead
body shall they arise," saith he (Isa 26:19). And again, "After two
days will he revive us: in the third day he will raise us up, and we shall live
in his sight" (Hosea 6:2); which is now fulfilled by the sitting down of
the Son of man on the right hand of the Majesty in the heavens, according to
that to the Ephesians, he "hath raised us up together, and made us
sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus" (Eph 2:6).
235. Ah, these
blessed considerations and scriptures, with many other of a like nature, were in
those days made to spangle in mine eyes, 'so that I have cause to say,'
"Praise ye the Lord. Praise God in his sanctuary: praise him in the
firmament of his power. Praise him for his mighty acts: praise him according to
his excellent greatness" (Psa 150:1,2).
236. Having thus,
in few words, given you a taste of the sorrow and affliction that my soul went
under, by the guilt and terror that this my wicked thought did lay me under! and
having given you also a touch of my deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and
blessed comfort that I met with afterwards, which comfort dwelt about a
twelve-month with my heart, to my unspeakable admiration; I will now, God
willing, before I proceed any further, give you in a word or two, what, as I
conceive, was the cause of this temptation; and also after that, what advantage,
at the last, it became unto my soul.
237. For the
causes, I conceived they were principally two: of which two also I was deeply
convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me. The first was, for that I did
not, when I was delivered from the temptation that went before, still pray to
God to keep me from temptations that were to come; for though, as I can say in
truth, my soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed
only, or at the most, principally for the removal of present troubles, and for
fresh discoveries of 'his' love in Christ! which I saw afterwards was not enough
to do; I also should have prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil
that was to come.
238. Of this I
was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy David, who, when he was under
present mercy, yet prayed that God would hold him back from sin and temptation
to come; "Then," saith he, "shall I be upright, and I shall be
innocent from the GREAT transgression" (Psa 19:13). By this very word was I
galled and condemned, quite through this long temptation.
239. That also
was another word that did much condemn me for my folly, in the neglect of this
duty (Heb 4:16), "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace,
that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." This I
had not done, and therefore was suffered thus to sin and fall, according to what
is written, "Pray that ye enter not into temptation." And truly this
very thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me, that I dare not, when
I come before the Lord, go off my knees, until I entreat him for help and mercy
against the temptations that are to come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that
thou learn to beware of my negligence, by the affliction that for this thing I
did for days, and months, and years, with sorrow undergo.
240. Another
cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted God; and on this manner did I
do it. Upon a time my wife was great with child, and before her full time was
come, her pangs, as of a woman in travail, were fierce and strong upon her, even
as if she would have immediately fallen in labour, and been delivered of an
untimely birth. Now, at this very time it was, that I had been so strongly
tempted to question the being of God; wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I
said, but with all secrecy imaginable, even thinking in my heart, Lord, if thou
wilt now remove this sad affliction from my wife, and cause that she be troubled
no more therewith this night, and now were her pangs just upon her, then I shall
know that thou canst discern the most secret thoughts of the heart.
241. I had no
sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken from her, and she was cast
into a deep sleep, and so she continued till morning; at this I greatly
marveled, not knowing what to think; but after I had been awake a good while,
and heard her cry no more, I fell to sleeping also. So when I waked in the
morning, it came upon me again, even what I had said in my heart the last night,
and how the Lord had showed me that he knew my secret thoughts, which was a
great astonishment unto me for several weeks after.
242. Well, about
a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful thought, of which I have spoken
before, went through my wicked heart, even this thought, Let Christ go if he
will; so when I was fallen under guilt for this, the remembrance of my other
thought, and of the effect thereof, would also come upon me with this retort,
which also carried rebuke along with it, Now you may see that God doth know the
most secret thoughts of the heart. 53
243. And with
this, that of the passages that were betwixt the Lord and his servant Gideon
fell upon my spirit; how because that Gideon tempted God with his fleece, both
wet and dry, when he should have believed and ventured upon his word, therefore
the Lord did afterwards so try him, as to send him against an innumerable
company of enemies; and that too, as to outward appearance, without any strength
or help (Judg 6, 7). Thus he served me, and that justly, for I should have
believed his word, and not have put an IF upon the all-seeingness of God.
244. And now to
show you something of the advantages that I also gained by this temptation; and
first, By this I was made continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful
sense both of the being and glory of God, and of his beloved Son; in the
temptation 'that went' before, my soul was perplexed with 'unbelief, blasphemy,
hardness of heart, questions about the being of God, Christ, the truth of the
Word, and certainty of the world to come; I say, then I was greatly assaulted
and tormented with' atheism; but now the case was otherwise, now was God and
Christ continually before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a way
of exceeding dread and terror. The glory of the holiness of God did at this time
break me to pieces; and the bowels and compassion of Christ did break me as on
the wheel; 54 for I could not consider him but as
a lost and rejected Christ, the remembrance of which was as the continual
breaking of my bones.
245. The
Scriptures now also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that the truth and
verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven; those 'that' the
Scriptures favour they must inherit bliss, but those 'that' they oppose and
condemn must perish evermore. Oh this word, "For the Scripture cannot be
broken": would rend the caul of my heart; and so would that other,
"Whose soever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins
ye retain, they are retained." Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of
the city of refuge (Josh 20:4), those 'that' they were to receive in, were
received to life; but those that they shut out were to be slain by the avenger
of blood. 55
246. Oh! one
sentence of the Scripture did more afflict and terrify my mind, I mean those
sentences that stood against me, as sometimes I thought they every one did, more
I say, than an army of forty thousand men that might have come against me. Woe
be to him against whom the Scriptures bend themselves.
247. By this
temptation I was made 'to' see more into the nature of the promises than ever I
was before; for I lying now trembling under the mighty hand of God, continually
torn and rent by the thunderings of his justice; this made me, with careful
heart and watchful eye, with great seriousness, to turn over every leaf, and
with much diligence, mixed with trembling, to consider every sentence, together
with its natural force and latitude.
248. By this
temptation, also, I was greatly beaten off my former foolish practice, of
putting by the word of promise when it came into my mind; for now, though I
could not suck that comfort and sweetness from the promise as I had done at
other times, yea, like to a man a-sinking, I should catch at all I saw; formerly
I thought I might not meddle with the promise unless I felt its comfort, but now
it was no time thus to do, the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me.
249. Now
therefore I was glad to catch at that word, which yet I feared I had no ground
or right to own; and even to leap into the bosom of that promise, that yet I
feared did shut its heart against me. Now also I should labour to take the Word
as God had laid it down, without restraining the natural force of one syllable
thereof. O what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John, "And him that
cometh to me, I will in no wise cast out" (v 37). Now I began to consider
with myself, that God had a bigger mouth to speak with than I had heart to
conceive with. I thought also with myself that he spake not his words in haste,
or in unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in very truth
and faithfulness (2 Sam 3:18).
250. I should in
these days, often in my greatest agonies, even flounce towards the promise, as
the horses do towards sound ground that yet stick in the mire, concluding,
though as one almost bereft of his wits through fear, on this I will rest and
stay, and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it. Oh! many
a pull hath my heart had with Satan for that blessed sixth of John. I did not
now, as at other times, look principally for comfort, though, O how welcome
would it have been unto me! But now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon,
that I might not sink for ever! 'it was that I hunted for.'
251. Yea, often
when I have been making to the promise, I have seen as if the Lord would refuse
my soul for ever. I was often as if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord
had thrust at me to keep me from him as with a flaming sword. Then I should
think of Esther, who went to petition the king contrary to the law (Esth 4:16).
I thought also of Benhadad's servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to
their enemies for mercy (1 Kings 20:31). The woman of Canaan also, that would
not be daunted, though called dog by Christ (Matt 15:20-28). And the man that
went to borrow bread at midnight (Luke 11:5-8), were great encouragements unto
me.
251. I never saw
those heights and depths in grace, and love, and mercy, as I saw after this
temptation. Great sins do draw out great grace; and where guilt is most terrible
and fierce there the mercy of God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears
most high and mighty. When Job had passed through his captivity, he had
"twice as much as he had before" (Job 42:10). Blessed be God for Jesus
Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make observation of, but I would
be brief, and therefore shall at this time omit them, and do pray God that my
harms may make others fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron
yoke as I 'did.'
'I had two or three times, at
or about my deliverance from this temptation, such strange apprehensions of the
grace of God, that I could hardly bear up under it, it was so out of measure
amazing, when I thought it could reach me, that I do think, if that sense of it
had abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for business.'
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