1. In this my
relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it will not be amiss, if,
in the first place, I do, in a few words, give you a hint of my pedigree, and
manner of bringing up; that thereby the goodness and bounty of God towards me,
may be the more advanced and magnified before the sons of men.
2. For my descent
then, it was, as is well known by many, of a low and inconsiderable generation;
my father's house being of that rank that is meanest and most despised of all
the families in the land. 6 Wherefore I have not
here, as others, to boast of noble blood, or of a high-born state, according to
the flesh; though, all things considered, I magnify the heavenly Majesty, for
that by this door he brought me into this world, to partake of the grace and
life that is in Christ by the gospel.
3. But yet,
notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my parents, it pleased
God to put it into their hearts to put me to school, to learn both to read and
write; the which I also attained, according to the rate of other poor men's
children; 7 though, to my shame I confess, I did
soon lose that little I learned, and that even almost utterly, and that long
before the Lord did work his gracious work of conversion upon my soul.
4. As for my own
natural life, for the time that I was without God in the world, it was indeed
according to the course of this world, and "the spirit that now worketh in
the children of disobedience" (Eph 2:2,3). It was my delight to be
"taken captive by the devil at his will" (2 Tim 2:26). Being filled
with all unrighteousness: the which did also so strongly work and put forth
itself, both in my heart and life, and that from a child, that I had but few
equals, especially considering my years, which were tender, being few, both for
cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming the holy name of God.
5. Yea, so
settled and rooted was I in these things, that they became as a second nature to
me; the which, as I also have with soberness considered since, did so offend the
Lord, that even in my childhood he did scare and affright me with fearful
dreams, and did terrify me with dreadful visions; for often, after I had spent
this and the other day in sin, I have in my bed been greatly afflicted, while
asleep, with the apprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still, as I
then thought, laboured to draw me away with them, of which I could never be rid.
6. Also I should,
at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubled with the thoughts of the day
of judgment, and that both night and day, and should tremble at the thoughts of
the fearful torments of hell fire; still fearing that it would be my lot to be
found at last amongst those devils and hellish fiends, who are there bound down
with the chains and bonds of eternal darkness, "unto the judgment of the
great day."
7. These things,
I say, when I was but a child, 'but nine or ten years old,' did so distress my
soul, that when in the midst of my many sports and childish vanities, amidst my
vain companions, I was often much cast down and afflicted in my mind therewith,
yet could I not let go my sins. Yea, I was 'also then' so overcome with despair
of life and heaven, that I should often wish either that there had been no hell,
or that I had been a devil--supposing they were only tormentors; that if it must
needs be that I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor, than 'be' tormented
myself.
8. A while after,
these terrible dreams did leave me, which also I soon forgot; for my pleasures
did quickly cut off the remembrance of them, as if they had never been:
wherefore, with more greediness, according to the strength of nature, I did
still let loose the reins to my lusts, and delighted in all transgression
against the law of God: so that, until I came to the state of marriage, I was
the very ringleader of all the youth that kept me company, into all manner of
vice and ungodliness. 8
9. Yea, such
prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this poor soul of mine, that
had not a miracle of precious grace prevented, I had not only perished by the
stroke of eternal justice, but had also laid myself open, even to the stroke of
those laws, which bring some to disgrace and open shame before the face of the
world.
10. In these
days, the thoughts of religion were very grievous to me; I could neither endure
it myself, nor that any other should; so that, when I have seen some read in
those books that concerned Christian piety, it would be as it were a prison to
me. Then I said unto God, "Depart from me, for I desire not the knowledge
of thy ways" (Job 21:14). I was now void of all good consideration, heaven
and hell were both out of sight and mind; and as for saving and damning, they
were least in my thoughts. 9 O Lord, thou knowest
my life, and my ways were not hid from thee.
11. Yet this I
well remember, that though I could myself sin with the greatest delight and
ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness of my companions; yet, even then,
if I have at any time seen wicked things, by those who professed goodness, it
would make my spirit tremble. As once, above all the rest, when I was in my
height of vanity, yet hearing one to swear that was reckoned for a religious
man, it had so great a stroke upon my spirit, that it made my heart to ache.
12. 'But God did
not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not now with convictions, but
judgments; yet such as were mixed with mercy. For once I fell into a creek of
the sea, and hardly escaped drowning. Another time I fell out of a boat into
Bedford river, but mercy yet preserved me alive. Besides, another time, being in
the field with one of my companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the
highway; so I, having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back; and having
stunned her, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and plucked her sting out
with my fingers; by which act, had not God been merciful unto me, I might, by my
desperateness, have brought myself to mine end.'
13. 'This also
have I taken notice of with thanksgiving; when I was a soldier, I, with others,
were drawn out to go to such a place to besiege it; but when I was just ready to
go, one of the company desired to go in my room; to which, when I had consented,
he took my place; and coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was shot
into the head with a musket bullet, and died.' 10
14. 'Here, as I
said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them did awaken my soul to
righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, and grew more and more rebellious
against God, and careless of mine own salvation.'
15. Presently
after this, I changed my condition into a married state, and my mercy was to
light upon a wife whose father was counted godly. 11
This woman and I, though we came together as poor as poor might be, not having
so much household stuff as a dish or spoon betwixt us both, yet this she had for
her part, The Plain Man's Pathway to Heaven, and The Practice of Piety, which
her father had left her when he died. In these two books I should sometimes read
with her, wherein I also found some things that were somewhat pleasing to me;
but all this while I met with no conviction. She also would be often telling of
me, what a godly man her father was, and how he would reprove and correct vice,
both in his house, and amongst his neighbours; what a strict and holy life he
lived in his day, both in word and deed.
16. Wherefore
these books with this relation, though they did not reach my heart, to awaken it
about my sad and sinful state, yet they did beget within me some desires to
religion: so that, because I knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the
religion of the times; to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that too with
the foremost; and there should very devoutly, both say and sing as others did,
yet retaining my wicked life; but withal, I was so overrun with a spirit of
superstition, that I adored, and that with great devotion, even all things, both
the high place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what else belonging to the
church; counting all things holy that were therein contained, and especially the
priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt, greatly blessed, because they
were the servants, as I then thought, of God, and were principal in the holy
temple, to do his work therein.
17. This conceit
grew so strong in little time upon my spirit, that had I but seen a priest,
though never so sordid and debauched in his life, I should find my spirit fall
under him, reverence him, and knit unto him; yea, I thought for the love I did
bear unto them, supposing they were the ministers of God, I could have lain down
at their feet, and have been trampled upon by them; their name, their garb, and
work, did so intoxicate and bewitch me.
18. After I had
been thus for some considerable time, another thought came into my mind; and
that was, whether we were of the Israelites, or no? For finding in the
Scriptures that they were once the peculiar people of God, thought I, if I were
one of this race, my soul must needs be happy. 12
Now again, I found within me a great longing to be resolved about this question,
but could not tell how I should. At last I asked my father of it; who told
me—No, we were not. Wherefore then I fell in my spirit as to the hopes of
that, and so remained.
19. But all this
while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil of sin; I was kept from
considering that sin would damn me, what religion soever I followed, unless I
was found in Christ. Nay, I never thought of him, nor whether there was one, or
no. Thus man, while blind, doth wander, but wearieth himself with vanity, for he
knoweth not the way to the city of God (Eccl 10:15).
20. But one day,
amongst all the sermons our parson made, his subject was, to treat of the
Sabbath-day, and of the evil of breaking that, either with labour, sports, or
otherwise. Now I was, notwithstanding my religion, one that took much delight in
all manner of vice, and especially that was the day that I did solace myself
therewith, 13 wherefore I fell in my conscience
under his sermon, thinking and believing that he made that sermon on purpose to
show me my evil doing; and at that time I felt what guilt was, though never
before, that I can remember; but then I was, for the present, greatly loaden
therewith, and so went home when the sermon was ended, with a great burden upon
my spirit.
21. This, for
that instant, did 'benumb' 14 the sinews of my
'best' delights, and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but behold, it
lasted not, for before I had well dined, the trouble began to go off my mind,
and my heart returned to its old course: but oh! How glad was I, that this
trouble was gone from me, and that the fire was put out, 'that I might sin again
without control!' Wherefore, when I had satisfied nature with my food, I shook
the sermon out of my mind, and to my old custom of sports and gaming I returned
with great delight.
22. But the same
day, as I was in the midst of a game at cat, 15
and having struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about to strike it
the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven into my soul, which said,
Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to heaven, or have thy sins and go to hell? At
this I was put to an exceeding maze; wherefore, leaving my cat upon the ground,
I looked up to heaven, and was, as if I had, with the eyes of my understanding,
seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me, as being very hotly displeased with
me, and as if he did severely threaten me with some grievous punishment for
these and other my ungodly practices.
23. I had no
sooner thus conceived in my mind, but suddenly this conclusion was fastened on
my spirit, for the former hint did set my sins again before my face, that I had
been a great and grievous sinner, and that it was now too too late for me to
look after heaven; for Christ would not forgive me, nor pardon my
transgressions. Then I fell to musing upon this also; and while I was thinking
on it, and fearing lest it should be so, I felt my heart sink in despair,
concluding it was too late; and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in
sin: for, thought I, if the case be thus, my state is surely miserable;
miserable if I leave my sins, and but miserable if I follow them; I can but be
damned, and if I must be so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as to be
damned for few.
24. Thus I stood
in the midst of my play, before all that then were present; but yet I told them
nothing: but I say, I having made this conclusion, I returned 'desperately' to
my sport again; and I well remember, that presently this kind of despair did so
possess my soul, that I was persuaded, I could never attain to other comfort
than what I should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I
must not think; wherefore I found within me a great desire to take my fill of
sin, still studying what sin was yet to be committed, that I might taste the
sweetness of it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly with its
delicates, lest I should die before I had my desire; for that I feared greatly.
In these things, I protest before God, I lie not, neither do I feign this sort
of speech; these were really, strongly, and with all my heart, my desires; the
good Lord, whose mercy is unsearchable, forgive me my transgressions.
25. And I am very
confident, that this temptation of the devil is more usual amongst poor
creatures than many are aware of, even to overrun their spirits with a scurvy
and seared frame of heart, and benumbing of conscience; which frame, he stilly
and slyly supplieth with such despair, that though not much guilt attendeth the
soul, yet they continually have a secret conclusion within them, that there is
no hopes for them; for they have loved sins, "therefore after them they
will go" (Jer 2:25, 18:12).
26. Now therefore
I went on in sin with great greediness of mind, still grudging that I could not
be so satisfied with it as I would. This did continue with me about a month, or
more; but one day, as I was standing at a neighbour's shop-window, and there
cursing and swearing, and playing the madman, after my wonted manner, there sat
within, the woman of the house, and heard me, who, though she was a very loose
and ungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed at that most fearful
rate, that she was made to tremble to hear me; and told me further, That I was
the ungodliest fellow for swearing that ever she heard in all her life; and that
I, by thus doing, was able to spoil all the youth in a whole town, if they came
but in my company.
27. At this
reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame, and that too, as I thought,
before the God of heaven; wherefore, while I stood there, and hanging down my
head, I wished with all my heart that I might be a little child again, that my
father might learn me to speak without this wicked way of swearing; 16
for, thought I, I am so accustomed to it, that it is in vain for me to think of
a reformation, for I thought it could never be.
28. But how it
came to pass, I know not; I did from this time forward so leave my swearing,
that it was a great wonder to myself to observe it; and whereas before, I knew
not how to speak unless I put an oath before, and another behind, to make my
words have authority; now, I could, 'without it,' speak better, and with more
pleasantness, than ever I could before. All this while I knew not Jesus Christ,
neither did I leave my sports and plays.
29. But quickly
after this, I fell in company with one poor man that made profession of
religion; who, as I then thought, did talk pleasantly of the Scriptures, and of
the matters of religion; wherefore, falling into some love and liking to what he
said, I betook me to my Bible, and began to take great pleasure in reading, but
especially with the historical part thereof; for, as for Paul's epistles, and
Scriptures of that nature, I could not away with them, being as yet but
ignorant, either of the corruptions of my nature, or of the want and worth of
Jesus Christ to save me.
30. Wherefore I
fell to some outward reformation, both in my words and life, and did set the
commandments before me for my way to heaven; which commandments I also did
strive to keep, and, as I thought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and then
I should have comfort; yet now and then should break one, and so afflict my
conscience; but then I should repent, and say I was sorry for it, and promise
God to do better next time, and there get help again, 'for then I thought I
pleased God as well as any man in England.'
31. Thus I
continued about a year; all which time our neighbours did take me to be a very
godly man, a new and religious man, and did marvel much to see such a great and
famous alteration in my life and manners; and, indeed, so it was, though yet I
knew not Christ, nor grace, nor faith, nor hope; and, truly, as I have well seen
since, had then died, my state had been most fearful; well, this, I say,
continued about a twelvemonth or more.
32. 'But, I say,
my neighbours were amazed at this my great conversion, from prodigious
profaneness, to something like a moral life; and, truly, so they well might; for
this my conversion was as great, as for Tom of Bedlam to become a sober man. 17
Now, therefore, they began to praise, to commend, and to speak well of me, both
to my face, and behind my back. Now, I was, as they said, become godly; now, I
was become a right honest man. But, oh! When I understood that these were their
words and opinions of men, it pleased me mighty well. For though, as yet, I was
nothing but a poor painted hypocrite, yet I loved to be talked of as one that
was truly godly. I was proud of my godliness, and, indeed, I did all I did,
either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by man. And thus I continued for
about a twelvemonth or more.'
33. 'Now, you
must know, that before this I had taken much delight in ringing, but my
conscience beginning to be tender, I thought such practice was but vain, and
therefore forced myself to leave it, yet my mind hankered; wherefore I should go
to the steeple house, and look on it, though I durst not ring. But I thought
this did not become religion neither, yet I forced myself, and would look on
still; but quickly after, I began to think, How, if one of the bells should
fall? Then I chose to stand under a main beam, that lay overthwart the steeple,
from side to side, thinking there I might stand sure, but then I should think
again, should the bell fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then
rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam. This made me stand in the
steeple door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough; for, if a bell should then
fall, I can slip out behind these thick walls, and so be preserved
notwithstanding.'
34. 'So, after
this, I would yet go to see them ring, but would not go further than the steeple
door; but then it came into my head, How, if the steeple itself should fall? And
this thought, it may fall for ought I know, when I stood and looked on, did
continually so shake my mind, that I durst not stand at the steeple door any
longer, but was forced to flee, for fear the steeple should fall upon my head.'
35. 'Another
thing was my dancing; I was a full year before I could quite leave that; but all
this while, when I thought I kept this or that commandment, or did, by word or
deed, anything that I thought was good, I had great peace in my conscience; and
should think with myself, God cannot choose but be now pleased with me; yea, to
relate it in mine own way, I thought no man in England could please God
better than I.'
36. 'But poor wretch as I was,
I was all this while ignorant of Jesus Christ, and going about to establish my
own righteousness; and had perished therein, had not God, in mercy, showed me
more of my state of nature."
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